For me, being a feminist is like being in a constant state of tug-of-war as I navigate between the push and pull of preconceived notions of gender and my own identity. How much of what I think and do comes from who I am as a person and how much has been shaped by society around me?

Early on, I sensed that as a girl, I had the added responsibility of proving that I could kick butt just as much, if not more, than my male counterparts. I was a very spirited child whose abundant energy and enthusiasm were not always positively received by others. One of my earliest memories of being aware that the discord between my behaviour and prescribed notions of my gender could actually bother other people is from preschool. It was time for the class to sit down in a circle to play a game. I eyed a group of girls as they primly held hands and gently seated themselves in unison, while I rambunctiously ran around looking for a spot to squeeze myself into with a couple of other boys. In that moment, my tiny four-year-old brain made the connection that maybe this was the reason why my teacher spoke more harshly to me than the others and didn’t seem to like me very much. This early revelation did not actually bother me that much though and I remember feeling a surge of rebellious pride in the fact that I wasn’t like those other girls who sat down so perfectly.

 I continued to fight the good fight in elementary school. During this turgid phase I created a “Tomboy Club” with my neighbour. Our meetings consisted of hanging out around a hollow log in the wooded lot across the street that served as our headquarters and eating Oreos as we basked in our tomboyishness. At school, I believed that I had to quite literally kick butt in the name of gender equality and would regularly “fight” the boys in the playground in order to prove that I was just as tough as them.

Eventually puberty struck and forced me to reconsider what kicking butt was really about. I slowly accepted the fact that most men would be able to beat me in an arm wrestle and since I was starting to kind of like guys, I quit the playground tussles. Kicking butt took on a more psychological dimension for me as I suddenly found myself wrestling to stay true to my wild ways, yet yearning for approval by members of the opposite sex. With my friends I would be unapologetically outspoken, but if I found myself talking to a cute guy I would be at an awkward loss for words. I started paying more attention to how I looked and felt the need to box myself back in to the gender stereotypes I had gleefully eschewed all my life.

My twenties so far have continued to wage a feminist tug of war: I’ve dated someone who was convinced that women couldn’t be funny (not for much longer after that!), been told by a former employer that I don’t smile enough and have had my knowledge and expertise questioned in the workplace based on my gender. This tug-of-war can be frustrating and I feel its wear and tear on my self-confidence at times. That being said, I’m lucky to have the freedom to continuously reframe and renegotiate my strategies for kicking butt. I yearn for a time when women will not feel such pressure to prove themselves because of the assumptions tied to their gender. Even better, a world where people’s gender is irrelevant to how others perceive them as human beings. However, until that time comes, I will hold on tight to my end of the rope and encourage others to do so as well.